I couldn't find it on the "Non-Cigar Related" forums anymore so I'm resurrecting this thread for I need more ammo at the workplace!!!


I'll start

A man is driving down the freeway in Washington D.C. and the traffic is horrible until it comes to a dead stop!
A person comes up to the car and says:
"Terrorists have the Presidient Obama and his wife held hostage in the WhiteHouse and they are demanding $5 Billion Dollars or they will douse our nation's leader with gasoline and burn them!!!"

Man driving: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOW CAN I HELP???? WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE DONATING??"

Man on the Street: "Oh, About a Gallon and a Half......"

Let's bring back the jokes people!!!!!!

---

In Tim's Beard we TRUST

Lasabar:

I couldn't find it on the "Non-Cigar Related" forums anymore so I'm resurrecting this thread for I need more ammo at the workplace!!!


I'll start

A man is driving down the freeway in Washington D.C. and the traffic is horrible until it comes to a dead stop!
A person comes up to the car and says:
"Terrorists have the Presidient Obama and his wife held hostage in the WhiteHouse and they are demanding $5 Billion Dollars or they will douse our nation's leader with gasoline and burn them!!!"

Man driving: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOW CAN I HELP???? WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE DONATING??"

Man on the Street: "Oh, About a Gallon and a Half......"

Let's bring back the jokes people!!!!!!

LMFAO!!! Thats freakin GREAT!

---

Jason
You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and exclaimed, “Your brother won’t let me in the restaurant without a tie!”

---

An old Italian man lived alone in Bakersfield . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

---

The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked; 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh...'
'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

---

All good ones Tony !!!

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

---

brsmith21:

I've heard the first step is admitting that you have a problem. Thankfully, I don't have a problem. I'll just smoke more.

Once Hillary Clinton and her driver were going through some small country roads campaigning in Georgia. They came around a corner and BLAMMO hit a very old cow with their car. Feeling terrible Hillary sent her driver to the house on the hill to let them know what had happened. Fearing what the family would do, the driver reluctantly went up to the house. He came back several hours later carrying a bottle of wine and had lipstick all over him and his clothes were disheveled. Hillary asked what had happened.... The driver told her, "I told them what happened the Father cooked a steak dinner for me, the wife sent me away with a bottle of wine and their daughter tried to make love to me she was all over me." Confused Hillary asked exactly what the driver had told them. The driver said "I simply said 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow".

---

Bobby

alienmisprint:

A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5.”
The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”
“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and exclaimed, “Your brother won’t let me in the restaurant without a tie!”

HAHAHA ROFL DAMN TALI'S

---

118th Mp Co (ABN)

Paratroopers, the true tip of the spear.

Two muffins were baking in the oven. The first muffin says to the second, "Man, it is HOT in here!" The second muffin screams, "HOLY CRAP! IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"

---

Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupidity

What's worse than being see sick?



Being see sick with lock jaw.

---

Tim B. (The Beard) -Coffee- "A patented mixture of ritalin and prozac with a little bit of jameson for taste."

"If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go" Mark Twain

Two women are talking in the office, the first says, "you sound a little sick, are you coming down with something?"
"Yes, I think I'm getting a sore throat."
The first replies, "You know what I do when that happens? I go home and give my husband oral sex, it fixes me right up."
The next day, she asks, "Are you feeling better today?"
"Yes, I did what you suggested. Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

---

Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (and Explosives!) should be a convenience store - not a government agency.

This guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a necktie to come in." Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"

---

Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (and Explosives!) should be a convenience store - not a government agency.

Every day a young boy walks past a whore house on his way home from school. Out front sits a lady that always waves to him as his passes:

"Hello, little boy" she says as she waves to him with her pinkie finger.

Every day as he passes by she says the same thing "Hello, little boy" while she waves with her one, small pinkie finger.

Finally, one day the young boy asks the lady, "Why do you wave at me like this?" She replied, because my little finger is the same size as your little penis".

So, the next day the little boy, once again passes the whore house, to which he hears the lady say "Hello, little boy" as she waves. So he responds "HELLO LADY!!!" with his fingers in his mouth, stretching his checks as far as he can.

Q: How did the West Virginia Farmer find the two sheep in the field?

A: Very pleasing!