A very ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course went, cut her free, and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night and all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky ***!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'

'Don 't know. Never found the head.'

---

A man walks into a bar, and as he sits down pulls out a tiny grand piano and a small man one foot tall who immediately sits at the piano and begins to play. The man then pulls out a tarnished old lamp, and sits it on the bar next to the piano.

Watching all this happen, a man sitting a few seats away asks "Where did you get that piano and midget?"

"Well, I found this lamp and rubbed it and a genie popped out. I made a wish and here it is."

Skeptical, the other man asks if he might give the lamp a try. "Sure, go right ahead." is the reply.

He picks up the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie. "You have released me, and for that I will grant you one wish." said the genie.

After a bit of thought, the man asks the genie for a million bucks. "Your wish is granted" replied the genie, and the *poof* he was gone. The man looked around, but saw no money.

*quack*

*quack*
*quack*....*quack*

He looks outside and the whole area is covered with ducks. Confused he walks back in and asks what's up with all the ducks?

The first man replied "The genie is hard of hearing, do you really think I wished for a 12" pianist"

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Ken Light:

Now what we have is a president who is a limp d!ck worthless piece of slow-acting, overly-analytical nonsense wrapped in a fast-melting candy-coating made of hope... Get him the hell out of there.

Do you know what the little bumps are around a womans ni_pples ? God put them there for blind men ...its braile and says "suck here". Apologies to any SOTL who may have been offended by this joke !

I have always wanted to get into her pants.

Too bad, I have to stick with the size 36 waist Levis instead!

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Some Tiger jokes i got sent today,

1. Tiger's new movie is: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

2. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

3. Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars - now he has a hole-
in-one.

4. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can easily drive a ball 300 metres

5. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the
morning?
They were clubbing

6. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant, then and a tree. He
apparently could not decide between a wood and an iron.

7. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife for some tips on how to
beat him.

8. What does Tiger Woods and a seal cub have in common?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

9. Why did Tiger Woods leave his house so early?
He had to get to the second hole.

---

bigbgballz:

Some Tiger jokes i got sent today,

1. Tiger's new movie is: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

2. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

3. Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars - now he has a hole-
in-one.

4. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can easily drive a ball 300 metres

5. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the
morning?
They were clubbing

6. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant, then and a tree. He
apparently could not decide between a wood and an iron.

7. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife for some tips on how to
beat him.

8. What does Tiger Woods and a seal cub have in common?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

9. Why did Tiger Woods leave his house so early?
He had to get to the second hole.

It looks like there IS a female on this planet that can beat Tiger with Clubs!

---

Who Farted?

Two tampons were crossing the street when they passed an old acquaintance, what do you think they said?

Nothing, they were both stuck up b*tches.

---

--
Coop

Tiger blamed the problem on his Caddy.

---

Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (and Explosives!) should be a convenience store - not a government agency.

Hottest new kids toy for christmas ...remote controlled Tiger Woods Caddy with collapseable fire hydrant and break-away windows

Two condoms walk by a gay club, and one says to other, "Hey wanna go in there and get sh!t faced?"

---

See the persons below me for something better

An atypically discontent rich couple suddenly realizes that their investments were not so smart, and it comes down to this - they are no longer as rich as they once were.

The husband tells the wife, "Maybe if you learn how to make food, we can get rid of the chef. Maybe if you learn how to clean the mansion, we can get rid of the maids."

The wife responds, "Maybe if you learn how to make love, we can get rid of the gardener."

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

---

Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (and Explosives!) should be a convenience store - not a government agency.

New deal between Tiger Woods and Ping on what else ...a new putter ...to be called the Ping-A-Ho Putter

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods? Santa Clause stops after 3 hos

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See the persons below me for something better