two newly weds getting ready to consummate their marriage when the wife speaks up and says 'I have a confession -I'm not a virgin -their was one guy before you. The husband says well in this day and age thats not surprising who was he anyway? Tiger Woods she replies. The golfer he exclaims . Yes she says. Well he's famous,rich,good looking I guess I can understand that. So they make passionate love. When their done the hubby heads for the phone to call room service. What are you doing the new bride asks. He replies 'calling room service I'm hungry. Tiger wouldn't do that ! Yeah hubby says 'what would tiger do? He'd come over here and make love again. So the hubby does. he gets up to call room service again. Again the same thing from the wife 'thats not what Tiger would do! This goes on three more times. Finally totally wiped out the husband staggers to the phone. Are you calling room service the new bride asks. NO I'M CALLING TIGER TO SEE WHAT PAR IS FOR THIS DAMN HOLE !!!

Ok two quickies ......... since the season is coming ........ use them for a gauranteed laugh...... What do rednecks do on halloween? ........................... Pump-Kin Why cant ghosts have babies? .............. Because they have Hallo-Weenies I know cheesey but good.

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Iam a standing member of PETA ...... People Eating Tasty Animals

A young woman is set to be wed to her one true love on Saturday. Their entire courtship, she has told him that she was a virgin, when in fact, she was not. As the wedding quickly approaches, she fears that her new husband will discover her promiscuity on their wedding night, so she goes to her mother and asks what she should do. The mother smiles and tells her, "Don't worry dear, here is what to do. Go down to the butcher shop the night before your wedding. Buy a fresh piece of beef liver about this big, and before you make love, slide it into your vagina. The liver will bleed just a little, making your husband think he popped your cherry, and it will make your vagina feel extra tight."

Excited and thinking she now has a sure-fire way to trick her husband, she does as her mother instructed her. After the ceremony and reception, the new couple retires to the honeymoon sweet for a night of pasionate lovemaking. When the new bride awakes in the morning, her husband is not in bed with her. She searches the hotel suite and finds nothing. She then sees a note taped to one of the cabinet doors. It is from her husband and says,

"Linda, I have loved you all my life and always will love you, but I simply cannot live this way. I'm sorry, but you will never see me again.

Love,
Jim

P.S. Your vagina is in the sink."

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An asian couple prepared for their wedding night. The bride was a virgin but her husband was not (unbeknownst to her). He was trying to hide the fact that he was indeed experienced by trying to act shy so she wouldn't suspect him. She said that she would be willing to try anything he wanted to because she had never done anything like this before. Trying to be innocent he told his wife that he had heard of this thing called "69" and he wanted to try it. she replied "You want to try a shrimp fried rice?"

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Bobby

Thewelder:

Wanna hear a joke? Woman's right.

Hey someones gotta throw first sexist joke out there.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the stove

Why does no woman need a watch?

There's a clock right there on the stove!

Why does no woman need an umbrella?

It doesn't rain between the bedroom and the kitchen.

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Bobby

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names 'The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bich what her name is.'

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Why is a beer better than a woman? A beer wont get jelous if you grab another beer. Why is a beer better than a woman? A beer is always wet. Why is a beer better than a woman? When you are done with a beer the container is worth $.05

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

"Hello?"
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy, that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number........

BTJR99:

"Hello?"
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy, that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number........

Oh that is sick!......but great!!

OK, time for some old blond jokes!

Why does a blond wear panties? To keep her ankles warm.

How does a blond turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

What does a blond say after sex? You guys all on the same team?

Why does the blond have a tilt steering wheel in her car? More head room.

Sorry about that, I just had to throw them in!

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“A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores.” – M*A*S*H, Klinger

Well, my kitchen remodel is on hold because my contractor got arrested. He's been charged with counter fitting. ;)

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Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (and Explosives!) should be a convenience store - not a government agency.

zoom6zoom:

Well, my kitchen remodel is on hold because my contractor got arrested. He's been charged with counter fitting. ;)

BOOO, HISS. Get off the stage!!! *throws tomato*

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When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.

Thomas Jefferson

zoom6zoom:

Well, my kitchen remodel is on hold because my contractor got arrested. He's been charged with counter fitting. ;)

Now that there is funny Zoom.

A man boarded a plane with 6 children. After getting them all settled in their seats a woman leans over and says 'are all those kids yours?' No, replied the man. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints I'm taking back to the home office !