madurofan:

clearlysuspect:

Q: How did the West Virginia Farmer find the two sheep in the field?

A: Very pleasing!

Q:How did Micheal Jackson find the kids in the hall?

A:Very pleasing.

MJ actually died of food poisoning............................he at a six year old weiner. I heard that he was fine actually and alive in the ambulance but they accidentally pulled up to a Children's Hospital and he died from all the excitement. ok I'm done now.

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Bobby

Three men decided to go onto the Olympics, being the Olympics were in China and the costs were astronomical they could only afford the plane tickets and the hotel room, but not the actual cost to get into the events to see the athletes.

After a great morning sitting outside the pavillions they noticed something... Whenever an athlete came up to the door they just let them in without paying.
So they decided to sneak in as an athlete, but while they didn't have the spandex outfits one guy grabbed a long pole walked up to the door and said "POLE VAULTING" and he was let right in
The second guy linked up a length of chain to a ball and went up front and said "HAMMER THROW"
The third guy wasn't let in though, he walked up to the door with a roll of chain link and said "FENCING"

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I'd rather be a Smart-A$$ than a Dumb-A$$

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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I'd rather be a Smart-A$$ than a Dumb-A$$

A woman from Texas meets a wealthy woman from New York. The woman from Texas asks, "Where are you from?" The woman from New York says, "I am from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition!" The woman from Texas very politely replies, "Oh I'm terribly sorry. Then where are you from...b*tch?"

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Jason
"A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke."
- Groucho Marx

Lasabar:

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Hahahaha.....I was NOT expecting that!

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Lasabar:

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Thats nothing I once saved an entire village from sure destruction by a volcano. I simply plugged the volcano with my johnson. However, I forgot that it was holding up our second moon at the time so I apologize that we now only have one moon. I'm also sorry about the hole I left in the OZone layer I had no idea it wouldn't heal itself back up.

Beat that Chuck Norris.

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j0z3r:

I liked it, it tasted less like a Gurkha and more like a normal cigar, good flavors too.

Big *** Jokes

My *** is so big it has an elbow

My *** is so big it gets in at the viper room and I have to argue with the guy at the door

My *** is so big it won't return Speilberg's calls

My *** is so big it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdale's to jack me off

My *** is so big it's only seen my balls in pictures

My *** is so big clowns come out of it when I ejaculate

My *** is so big it wears a watch

My *** is so big it only plays arenas

My *** is so big the next remake will be "Godzilla vs. MY ***"

My *** is so big I'm screwing a girl tomorrow

My *** is so big I have to call it MR.*** in front of company

My *** is so big it has casters

My *** is so big it has better credit than I do

My *** is so big it entered a big *** contest and came in 1st, 2nd and 3rd

My *** is so big I'm standing here talking to you, but I lost a leg in 'Nam

My *** is so big I can please and Elevator shaft

My *** is so big it tried to open a casino in Vegas, but was shunned for Donald Trump didn't want a bigger *** in town than he was

My *** is so big that I'm the reason for "Glad" to research and develop "Tufflex" garbage bags

And by all these jokes, you all probably think that my penis is very very tiny....

(p.s. MOST of these are from Drew Carey's book "Dirty Jokes and Beer")

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I'd rather be a Smart-A$$ than a Dumb-A$$

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

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HAHAHA I love the cat's diary that's hilarious. I love the part about the retarded dog. You so know that's what cats are thinking too.

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Bobby

I've heard it before but it is hilarious ...I can see a cat thinking those exact thoughts ...

Yeah, it just came to me via an email. The cat diary is dead on, those sneaky baturds.

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My cat would just look at me and sigh - audibly, I can only imagine what he was actually thinking, lol..

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cabinetmaker:

My cat would just look at me and sigh - audibly, I can only imagine what he was actually thinking, lol..

Day 668 of my captivity ....he remains in the shop drawing up plans for some sort of box he believes in his inferior mental state that could actually hold me ...stupid human ...he does have a nice set-up out there and his vast collection of woodworking tools are actually quite impressive ...I've witnessed his work ...very precise ...much attention to detail ....ALL FOR NAUGHT ...HE'LL NEVER CONTROL ME !!!!! (All in fun Greg)

Wanna hear a joke? Woman's right.

Hey someones gotta throw first sexist joke out there.

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My toys 2006 650r Ninja, 2008 chevy cobalt w/ 2 Memphis 10" m3 in a ported box, pr1000 watt amp, pr4-50 watt, m3 speakers around, and 6" pioneer double din.